Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Confessions
Part 3
Sept 2004
"My eyes bleed rouge as crystal tears stray from my heart, it will pass" – by Johan Nasir
So hard to breathe, almost in shock and choking, like a virus slowly eating away your internal organs with the inevitable death just a few hours away. Pain is so sharp that it numbs all thought and logic. Yet, it feels right, yes, this is what pain feels like, a broken heart, a fool of blinding love, a victim of longing hope. Forgotten that feeling for so many years. Void of any emotion. Stuck in a dark world as I searched for that bright light from another angel. Was she really another? Will there be another? Thought I was saved. Was lifted by her to the heavens. Where did I go wrong? Need some alone time to grieve. All cried out now. Why does it hurt so bad? Saddened by choice. Was I too late? What good is it to be able to give so much love and end up discarded like an empty packaging? Struggling to find answers to all random chaotic questions. Pathetic pities be gone, no sadness be required. Accept it is real part of whole, for what is love without destructive and joyous emotions.
Deep ice breath causing frost bites in the respiratory system again. No peace of mind as the world passes by. Still love. It will pass. It will pass. Time heals. Make it go away. So cold. Your warmth left. This room in my heart got the best of me. It was all but a beautiful dream. Only had love to give and even maybe that was wrong. Nothing to live for without you. Come back. Don’t walk away from this great love just yet. Said I’d be okay without. Realising now my mind is not as strong to block this serotonin chemicals and hyperactive neurotransmitter signals coming from my chest and head. Lay down broken. Words losing all meaning as I write this. Why is my mind telling me, going thru a million more painful moments like this with you is still worth it that to spend it happy with someone else? Much is this love. So much. Didn’t know it was just my love. Falling, fallen, felt the ground crush. Fragile and shattered. Confused senses. Blurred reality. Drowning, swallowed by a pool of tears and bleeding heart. So beautiful. She’s an eternal vision.
Did I do this to myself? Why? Why not? What am I missing as a man? Was the pure love I had just for you too overwhelming? Was I invisible? Was I blind to the signs? Was it so wrong to give you all of me? In denial. Feel like a soul without a body, a body that just got smashed beyond recognition to me. A bright love floating around without a home. You were home. Missing you and it doesn’t make any sense. Like snow coming down in June. What’s happening? I’m losing sight as tears blur my vision. Fighting a losing battle with the pain. If we wasn’t love, why am I feeling like I’ve lost you. Some will say it’s your loss; I just wanted it to be your gain. Searching myself for reason because everything is in disarray. Don’t want to anything. Don’t wanna try. Temporary this. Tender love wounds heal. Wish I was in your safe comforting arms. Wish yours I am. Does she see? Each step walking barefoot on crushed glass. No describable near pain as now. Where am I? Nothing seems familiar. Strange experience. Emotions racing spinning me around as time stand still. Trembling. I will survive another dark hour. Just a matter of counting down the minutes to another happiness. Maybe one sweet day. She’s innocent and contented. Smile. Survive. Pretend if must. Day will come after this night.
Angel, save me.
Life, guide me.
Love, find us.
Allah, heal me.
Happiness, find her.
Part 3
Sept 2004
"My eyes bleed rouge as crystal tears stray from my heart, it will pass" – by Johan Nasir
So hard to breathe, almost in shock and choking, like a virus slowly eating away your internal organs with the inevitable death just a few hours away. Pain is so sharp that it numbs all thought and logic. Yet, it feels right, yes, this is what pain feels like, a broken heart, a fool of blinding love, a victim of longing hope. Forgotten that feeling for so many years. Void of any emotion. Stuck in a dark world as I searched for that bright light from another angel. Was she really another? Will there be another? Thought I was saved. Was lifted by her to the heavens. Where did I go wrong? Need some alone time to grieve. All cried out now. Why does it hurt so bad? Saddened by choice. Was I too late? What good is it to be able to give so much love and end up discarded like an empty packaging? Struggling to find answers to all random chaotic questions. Pathetic pities be gone, no sadness be required. Accept it is real part of whole, for what is love without destructive and joyous emotions.
Deep ice breath causing frost bites in the respiratory system again. No peace of mind as the world passes by. Still love. It will pass. It will pass. Time heals. Make it go away. So cold. Your warmth left. This room in my heart got the best of me. It was all but a beautiful dream. Only had love to give and even maybe that was wrong. Nothing to live for without you. Come back. Don’t walk away from this great love just yet. Said I’d be okay without. Realising now my mind is not as strong to block this serotonin chemicals and hyperactive neurotransmitter signals coming from my chest and head. Lay down broken. Words losing all meaning as I write this. Why is my mind telling me, going thru a million more painful moments like this with you is still worth it that to spend it happy with someone else? Much is this love. So much. Didn’t know it was just my love. Falling, fallen, felt the ground crush. Fragile and shattered. Confused senses. Blurred reality. Drowning, swallowed by a pool of tears and bleeding heart. So beautiful. She’s an eternal vision.
Did I do this to myself? Why? Why not? What am I missing as a man? Was the pure love I had just for you too overwhelming? Was I invisible? Was I blind to the signs? Was it so wrong to give you all of me? In denial. Feel like a soul without a body, a body that just got smashed beyond recognition to me. A bright love floating around without a home. You were home. Missing you and it doesn’t make any sense. Like snow coming down in June. What’s happening? I’m losing sight as tears blur my vision. Fighting a losing battle with the pain. If we wasn’t love, why am I feeling like I’ve lost you. Some will say it’s your loss; I just wanted it to be your gain. Searching myself for reason because everything is in disarray. Don’t want to anything. Don’t wanna try. Temporary this. Tender love wounds heal. Wish I was in your safe comforting arms. Wish yours I am. Does she see? Each step walking barefoot on crushed glass. No describable near pain as now. Where am I? Nothing seems familiar. Strange experience. Emotions racing spinning me around as time stand still. Trembling. I will survive another dark hour. Just a matter of counting down the minutes to another happiness. Maybe one sweet day. She’s innocent and contented. Smile. Survive. Pretend if must. Day will come after this night.
Angel, save me.
Life, guide me.
Love, find us.
Allah, heal me.
Happiness, find her.
