Wednesday, July 28, 2004
In Pursuit of the Ultimate Nasi Kandar in Penang!
The key to good Nasi Kandar in Penang lies in knowing the exact time to locate the Mamak culprit serving it....ie at the time of your craving or needs...it's no good if you have the craving and only find low budget stuff... hehehe..
If you’re craving / needs/ falls during these times, then the places to go are...
1) 11am - 3pm (24hours) Hameediyah Restaurant (since 1960) Campbell Road - 80m from Penang Road...my fav combo are Chicken Kurma with Fish Curry + Massala Squid Eggs + Chilli Pickle... noni factor 4 out of 5... 2 helpings recommended... also the Murtabak is above average in Penang, the best in Penang (opposite GAMA) has since disappeared due to loss in kin line...also the Pasembur (Rojak to K Lians) is good here, especially with the lungs combo... noni factor 2 out of 5... don't say Rojak in Penang... you'll get the fruit kind..
2) 11am - 1pm Tajuddin Tomato Rice... awesome Tomato Rice with Rose Chicken or Mutton and Rassam (by jugs on table).... beyond 1pm the Tomato Rice will be all gone... in Little India... either Queen or King Street.. Ferry area... noni factor 4/5..
3) 5pm - 9pm Nasi Kandar Air Itam at the Air Itam flats.. very fresh curries but i can't remember if you need to turn left at the 2nd or 3rd traffic light on the Air Itam main road.. although... you can ask people to show the road to Paya Terubong from the 2nd or 3rd traffic light... noni factor 3 / 5.
4) 6pm - 6am Chowrosta Market Nasi Kandar, middle shophouse (light blue interior with booth sittings) opposite unloading area next to ice shop.... fav combo... Chicken or Fish Curry with Liver Black Sauce (banjir) and Ladies Fingers x 2 helpings ... noni factor 5/5... the market is eeerr.. funky... heheheheh... but you can always take away...
5) 8pm - 12mn Bayan Lepas Nasi Dalca... Kenduri style rice with Rose Chicken etc... turn left at the airport and stop on the left side after first traffic light.... should be a queue.. x 2 helpings... noni factor 4/5... ie all Curry / Gravy must be flooded (banjir)
6) Kayu Nasi Kandar has some merit but I've only had it once (the rest above are 2-3 times per week per restaurant) heh!... in Bayan Baru although they may have new rest. Opened in Penang Rd.... noni factor 1/5....
7) 10am - 6pm Mamak Mee Rebus / Goreng with/out squid.... Bangkok Lane facing Pulau Tikus road opposite Chinese medical shop
8) 12noon - 5pm Mee Rebus Air Itam..... near the roundabout to funicular...
All above are my must must have meals in Penang....
Contributed by KK & Kamarul
The key to good Nasi Kandar in Penang lies in knowing the exact time to locate the Mamak culprit serving it....ie at the time of your craving or needs...it's no good if you have the craving and only find low budget stuff... hehehe..
If you’re craving / needs/ falls during these times, then the places to go are...
1) 11am - 3pm (24hours) Hameediyah Restaurant (since 1960) Campbell Road - 80m from Penang Road...my fav combo are Chicken Kurma with Fish Curry + Massala Squid Eggs + Chilli Pickle... noni factor 4 out of 5... 2 helpings recommended... also the Murtabak is above average in Penang, the best in Penang (opposite GAMA) has since disappeared due to loss in kin line...also the Pasembur (Rojak to K Lians) is good here, especially with the lungs combo... noni factor 2 out of 5... don't say Rojak in Penang... you'll get the fruit kind..
2) 11am - 1pm Tajuddin Tomato Rice... awesome Tomato Rice with Rose Chicken or Mutton and Rassam (by jugs on table).... beyond 1pm the Tomato Rice will be all gone... in Little India... either Queen or King Street.. Ferry area... noni factor 4/5..
3) 5pm - 9pm Nasi Kandar Air Itam at the Air Itam flats.. very fresh curries but i can't remember if you need to turn left at the 2nd or 3rd traffic light on the Air Itam main road.. although... you can ask people to show the road to Paya Terubong from the 2nd or 3rd traffic light... noni factor 3 / 5.
4) 6pm - 6am Chowrosta Market Nasi Kandar, middle shophouse (light blue interior with booth sittings) opposite unloading area next to ice shop.... fav combo... Chicken or Fish Curry with Liver Black Sauce (banjir) and Ladies Fingers x 2 helpings ... noni factor 5/5... the market is eeerr.. funky... heheheheh... but you can always take away...
5) 8pm - 12mn Bayan Lepas Nasi Dalca... Kenduri style rice with Rose Chicken etc... turn left at the airport and stop on the left side after first traffic light.... should be a queue.. x 2 helpings... noni factor 4/5... ie all Curry / Gravy must be flooded (banjir)
6) Kayu Nasi Kandar has some merit but I've only had it once (the rest above are 2-3 times per week per restaurant) heh!... in Bayan Baru although they may have new rest. Opened in Penang Rd.... noni factor 1/5....
7) 10am - 6pm Mamak Mee Rebus / Goreng with/out squid.... Bangkok Lane facing Pulau Tikus road opposite Chinese medical shop
8) 12noon - 5pm Mee Rebus Air Itam..... near the roundabout to funicular...
All above are my must must have meals in Penang....
Contributed by KK & Kamarul
Top 15 Excuses For Getting Caught Napping in the office
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in the last time management
course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people."
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
9. "I was actually doing the 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the
last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
8. "I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you
discriminatory toward people who practice yoga?"
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest
problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up a contact lens without hands."
1. "...Amin."
Contributed by Alena
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in the last time management
course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people."
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
9. "I was actually doing the 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the
last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
8. "I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you
discriminatory toward people who practice yoga?"
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest
problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up a contact lens without hands."
1. "...Amin."
Contributed by Alena
Words Women Use
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'nothing' usually end in "fine"
Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "that's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Contributed by Raphael
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'nothing' usually end in "fine"
Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "that's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Contributed by Raphael
Monday, July 19, 2004
Crossing the Gender Line
Because of our social circumstances, male and female are really two cultures and their life experiences are utterly different - Kate Millet
It’s a day like any other when a seemingly normal woman walks into our office, sits in a chair, and says something like, “I don’t know what I do to turn men off. Somehow I am pushing them away. Maybe I’m too demanding, or not demanding enough; I don’t know. Men are so confusing.”
And it could be that very same day in that very same chair that a seemingly normal man, unrelated to the first woman, sits down and says, “I don’t get women. I must be doing something wrong or I’d have at least a semblance of a relationship with one of them. Women are so confusing.”
We’ve seen it time and again. Each gender trying to make contact with the other side but becoming dazed and confused in the process. Like an animal which has come too close to a hot-wired electric fence, we’ve seen both men and women jump hack and retreat from the opposite sex because they didn’t want to risk the potential pain of misunderstanding or rejection. So they keep their distance.
The barrier between the sexes is built early on in life by our fear for being teased for having a “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” Remember those days? Some researchers can’t seem to forget. A classic study of children’s friendships has found that three-year-olds say about half their friends are of the opposite sex; for five-year-olds, it’s about twenty percent, and by age seven almost no boys or girls say they have a best friend of the opposite sex. These separate social universes re-intersect only as the adolescent years approach. Is it any wonder that male-female relationships are confusing?
This chapter is dedicated to helping you—whether male or female—take some of the mystery out of relating to the opposite sex. We don’t guarantee to solve the age-old gender puzzle in just a few pages, but we do intend to give you some practical insights for equipping you in your trek across the gender line. We’ll help you explore just how different the sexes are, not only in their psychology but in their biology as well, and we will expose the “fundamental cross-gender relational error,” an error that will trip you up every time. We then take turns at revealing in detail what women need to know about men and what men need to know about women. Used correctly, you can consider this information your key to crossing the border. Before closing this chapter we do our best to answer the age ol’ question of whether or not men and women can be “just friends,” free from romantic entanglements and sexual snares.
But let’s now begin at the beginning. We start with a straightforward fact: When men and women get together there are, in effect, two worlds—his and hers. The question this raises, however, is what’s the difference?
A World of Difference
Have you ever wondered why a man can seemingly read a map blindfolded but can’t find his own socks? The reason may be found in his genetic makeup. Research is discovering that men and women actually perceive reality differently. In one university experiment, students were blindfolded while an experimenter who served as a guide walked them through a complex maze of tunnels that run beneath campus buildings. After traversing this maze, women were asked to locate a familiar college building. Nearly every woman in the experiment was uncertain and unable to locate it. Men, on the other hand, had relatively little trouble with the task. In spite of all the subterranean twists and turns, men tended to retain a firm sense of direction and with a kind of internal compass were far more likely to identify the location of the building—even after walking through the maze blindfolded. Chalk one up for the male species.
But before you put all your money on men, consider another university experiment. In this one, students were asked to wait in a small room with a cluttered desk while the experimenter “got something ready.” The students thought they were simply waiting for the experiment to begin, but this actually was the experiment. After two minutes, the student was asked to describe in detail the waiting room from memory. Men, it turns out, didn’t do well on the test, and were able to remember very little. Most men were barely able to describe much of the room in clear and accurate detail. They often missed major objects located on a desk right in front of them. Women, on the other hand, could go on and on with precise descriptions of the rooms contents. In fact, women proved seventy percent better than men at recalling complex patterns formed by apparently random and unconnected items. One point for the women’s side; but who’s keeping score? (Actually, the men are probably keeping score, but we’ll get to that later.)
In these experiments and dozens of others like them, men and women consistently perform at different levels—sometimes men outperform women and sometimes vice versa. Which is all to say that scientists are suddenly fast at work trying to account for the differences, and what they’re finding may surprise you.
Why are researchers just now exploring the differences between men and women? The reason can be traced to the 1970’s when the feminist revolution nearly prohibited talk of inborn differences in the behaviour of males and females. Pointing out distinctions between the sexes was simply off-limits if you were a respectable researcher wanting to keep your job. Men dominated fields like architecture and engineering, it was argued, because of social, not hormonal, pressures. Women did the vast majority of society’s child rearing because few other options were available to them. Once sexism was abolished, so the argument ran, the world would become perfectly equitable. But as hard as we tried to squelch our differences, the evidence for innate gender difference began to mount, and admitting the differences between men and women has now become unavoidable. What’s more, the differences are not exclusively relegated to how you were raised as a child and society’s traditional stereotyping. The differences, research is discovering, may lay much deeper.
Scientists have not ignored the ol’ nature-nurture debate all together, but they have come to accept that a few fundamental differences between men and women are apparently biological. It turns out that men s and women’s brains, for example, are not only different, but the way we use out brains differs too. Women have larger connections and subsequently more frequent “crosstalk” between their brains’ left and right hemispheres. This accounts for women’s seeming ability to have better verbal skills and relational intuition than men. Men, on the other hand, have greater brain hemisphere separation, which enhances abstract reasoning and visual-spatial intelligence. Poet and author Robert Bly describes women’s brains as having a “superhighway” of connection while men have a “little crookedy country road.”
Big deal, you may be thinking, men can rotate three-dimensional objects in their head and women are better at reading emotions of people in photographs. How’s that affect my relationships with the opposite sex? Fair enough. Here’s our answer: If you evaluate the opposite gender’s behavior according to your own standards, never considering significant social and biological differences, you will miss out on a meaningful connection because you were compelled to make that person more like you. That’s what we call the fundamental cross-gender relational error: assuming that misunderstandings between the sexes have only to do with cross-purposes and not psychological and biological crossed wiring.
Okay, I understand the problem, you are saying to yourself, but what’s the solution? That depends on whether you are a woman or a man; either way, there are a few things you need to know.
What Women Need To Know About Men
If you are a woman reading this hook, I (Leslie) want to reveal a few facts that can help you make healthy connections with the men in your life. Not that I have the answer on how we women can relate every man. The male-female connection is too mystical for such claims. But I do have a few insights that have proven helpful to me many other women. They have to do with knowing how men are different from us. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking, here are a few of the important distinctions— the ones that can make or break your ability to cross the gender borderline.
Men are not as in touch with their emotions as we are.
The first problem women run into when they attempt to explore men s emotional needs is that men don’t want women to explore their emotional needs. Let’s face it women, relative to us, men should come equipped with an emotional thesaurus. I’m not saying they don’t feel things deeply, but men certainly don’t express their emotions as clearly or as readily as we do. And who can blame them; they were raised that way. Parents, a recent study found, discuss emotions (with the exception of anger) more with their daughters than with their sons. As adults, men naturally tend to have a smaller feeling vocabulary and stuff their emotions. The point? We can’t expect men to identify our emotions or their own as quickly as we do.
Men are more independent than we are.
Here’s a lesson from “Male Development 101”: Very early on, males define themselves in relation to their mothers by being different and separate. Their impulse is to go away and assert their masculinity. Men need to wriggle free, to do male bonding, to place a great deal of emphasis on work (or golf, for that matter) as an escape from being smothered. But it’s not so much being smothered by the women in their lives as iris being smothered by their own feelings of dependency. Men need space to be men. And the more fragile a man’s sense of self, the stronger the impulse is to flee. So don’t expect men to glom on to you and tell you how much they need you. Instead, take comfort in the fact that the men in your life do need you, but most of the time they are trying to deny how much they need you because it poses so many threats to their sense of masculinity.
Men are more abstract than we are.
While you and I are more likely to talk about our fears, feelings, and experiences, men are more likely to talk about ideas, concepts, and theories. Men want to tell you what they know. They use conversation to discover factual information the same way an anthropologist uses a pick and hammer to unearth an artifact. Men gather facts, debate opinions, and solve problems through reasoned conversation. Sociologist Deborah Tannen calls this abstract style of man-speak “Report Talk.” It’s well established, so we can’t expect men to be too enthusiastic about conversation that serves as a means with no end. We can certainly talk about our fears, feelings and experiences to the men in our lives, but we can’t expect them to listen with the same vigilance we’ve grown to expect from our girlfriends.
What Men Need To Know About Women
Now that Leslie has had a say, allow me to turn the tables. Just as there are important insights for women to gain in understanding men, so can you, as a male reader, discover a few tips that will make relating to the women in your life a bit easier. “Every woman is a science,” John Donne. And if we take the time to carefully study women’s needs and how they differ from us, we’ll discover some fairly universal principles. I’ll echo the same qualifier as Leslie, however: There are always exceptions to the rule, but here are some fundamental ways in which women are different from men.
Women are not as independent as we are.
Let’s face it: we love the mystique of the rugged “Marlboro Man” image. Sure, it’s cliché, but we can’t get over this tough-minded, lone cowboy who reports to nobody as he freely rides the range. Women, on the other hand, couldn’t give a can of beans about protecting their autonomy. They prize what Harvard’s Carol Gilligan calls “a web of connectedness. Just as we are threatened by a challenge to our independence, so are women threatened by a rupture in their relationships. So don’t expect women to fully understand and accept your “need for space.” Don’t expect them to romanticize your independence. Instead, do yourself and your relationships with women a favour—bite the bullet and let them know you value the relationship even when you need to ride the range.
Women focus on the here-and-now more than we do.
Someone defined the future as a place where men spend most of their time. You and I both know that’s not exactly true. But it becomes more true in comparison to women. While we are scheming plans and solving problems for a better tomorrow, most women are asking, “What’s going on right now and how do I (and others) feel about it?” Women focus on current feelings and experiences because these build emotional bonds of connection between them. So while we men are more interested in the “report” of what has happened and where we are going, women are more interested on building “rapport” right now. The bottom line is that if you want to get down to the task of solving problems for the future with the women in your life, you must first take the time to explore their feelings about the present.
Women are not as competitive as we are.
As little kids growing up, boys play games in large groups, with an emphasis on winning. Competition is the name of this male-gender game. Little girls, on the other hand, play together in small, intimate groups, with an emphasis on minimizing hostility and maximizing cooperation. The same emphasis follows both genders into adulthood. As men, we still want to prove our point, keep score, and win the debate in conversation, while women are more likely to sacrifice superiority as the price for keeping peace. It’s not that one mode is necessarily better than the other; they both have their strengths and weaknesses. But if we want to build a healthy relationship with the women in our lives, we must honour their cooperative spirit and take care not to step on their toes.
Making a cross-gender relationship work does not depend solely on recognizing our differences. It’s a matter of appreciating those differences as well. Women, for example, can improve their relationships with men when they value the more masculine traits of emotional constraint, independence, and analytical reasoning. And men can improve their relationships with women when they esteem the more feminine qualities of interpersonal dependence, present-centeredness, and cooperation.
We’ve known some people who clearly recognize gender differences but then mistakenly try to eliminate them. It’s a futile exercise. Gender differences are not eased by creating symmetry—by having men and women thinking, feeling, and doing everything alike. The fact is that men and women are different. And people who openly acknowledge their differences and appreciate them improve their chances for a successful relationship.
Can Men And Women Be Just Friends?
We had just stepped off the platform of a college auditorium in Illinois where we were speaking on gender differences. Lingering around us was a small crowd of students who had a few comments or questions. That’s when a young, forthright man came hounding up to us and blurted out a question: “Is it possible for men and women to be friends without being romantic.
The auditorium fell suddenly silent. Even students who were just about out the door turned around to wait for our answer. We mumbled a spontaneous reply that was mostly based on out opinions and then turned the question back on our listeners. “What do you think?” we asked. For nearly another hour we sat on the edge of that platform and listened to a lively discussion while dozens of students gave their two cents’ worth.
That was several years ago, but we continue to hear this question so frequently that we would be remiss not to address it before closing this chapter. And since that occasion in Illinois, we have reviewed dozens of scientific studies and surveyed numbers of people about cross-gender friendships to discover whether these relationships can work or not. We’ve also listened in on countless discussions with men and women on the issue. And believe me, we’re now well acquainted with both sides of the argument.
For many people the idea of a man and a woman being friends is charming, but improbable. “It always leads to something else,” they argue, meaning that the relationship eventually becomes romantic or soon fizzles out. Perhaps they are right. After all, in contrast to the countless love stories we see in the movies, male-female friendships are rarely acclaimed or depicted as an ongoing, freestanding bond. How many stories can you think of that richly portray or endorse the lasting, devoted friendship of a man and a woman as an end in itself? Even the acclaimed film, When Harry Met Sally, which got a lot of people talking about cross-gender friendships, ultimately proves to be another tale of romantic love. Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan’s tumultuous and endearing friendship is only a stage in the development of the more celebrated attachment of falling in love.
On the other hand, there are those who ate seemingly surprised by the question and argue that of course male-female friendships are possible; why wouldn’t they be? These people’s persuasiveness almost make the romantic pull of such relationships seem unusual. They ignore it altogether. “One of my best friends is a woman,” the male proponent of this perspective insists. “And it’s never crossed my mind to consider her in a romantic way.” Well, that takes care of that, I think. “My friendships with men are far less complex than my relationships with women,” a female with this position might say. “We can play sports and just have fun.”
In our informal survey of people who are “just friends” with someone of the opposite sex, we heard a number of positive remarks. Over I over, men spoke about how a woman’s friendship provided them with a kind of nurturance not generally available in their relationships with men. They said things like, “I don’t have to play the macho game with women. I can show my weaknesses to a woman friend and she’ll still accept me.”When we asked women about their friendships with men. we heard comments like “He is a good sounding board for me to get the male perspective, the kind I can’t get from my women friends.”
Interestingly, women do not report the same level of intimacy as do with their cross-gender friendships. Even women who count among their close friends feel harriers between them. Women will say things like, “I have fun with men, and they can even be supportive and helpful about some things, but it’s just not the same. If I try to talk to my male friends the same way I talk to my female friends, I’m always disappointed.” At first glance the payoff for men seems to be bigger than the payoff for women in cross-gender friendships. But that’s not necessarily true. Women report great enjoyment from the diversity their friendships with men bring to their lives.
So does all this mean the answer to the question about men and women being friends is yes? Few relationships issues are that plain and simple. The real answer is “it depends.” So, you say, let’s cut to the chase and get to the bottom line: What do these relationships depend upon? They depend upon how much each person in the relationship is willing to stretch and grow. These friendships, you see, require both men and women to call upon parts of themselves that are usually less accessible when relating to their typical same-sex friends. For a man, a woman friend allows him to express his more emotional side, to experience his vulnerability, to treat himself and his friend more tenderly than is permissible with male friends. What is typically missing for him in this cross-gender relationship, however, is the kind of rough camaraderie he can have with another man. For a woman, friendship with a man helps her express her independent, more reasoned, and tougher side—the harder edge that’s kept under wraps in relationships with women. The down side for her is the relative absence of emotional reciprocity and intensity she normally shares with a female friend.
So, okay, twist our arms for a yes or no answer to this question and the answer will be yes. But we will quickly qualify it. Men and women can enjoy friendship together, but not at the same level they do with friends of the same sex. The next chapter, however, will reveal that friendships within our own gender provide tough competition.
For Reflection
Consider your cross-gender relationships. What aspects of these relationships with the opposite sex (excluding romantic relationships) seem to be easier than relationships with the same sex? What are the biggest hurdles you encounter in relating with the opposite sex?
When you were growing up as a kid, what social activities or games do you think influenced your gender roles? Looking back on it, do you put more stock in the way your environment shaped you or the way your biology programmed you?
This chapter notes several things men and women should know about the opposite gender. What differences could you add either to the list for women to know or for men to know?
Have you noticed how women use their conversation to build rapport” while men use conversation to give or get the “report”? What examples of this disparity can you remember from your own experience?
The major point of this chapter is that we doom our relationships with the opposite sex when we try to change them into being more like us. If this is so, what can you do to accept and even appreciate the different qualities of the other gender?
Written By Drs Les & Leslie
Contributed by Farina
Re-edited by Johan
Because of our social circumstances, male and female are really two cultures and their life experiences are utterly different - Kate Millet
It’s a day like any other when a seemingly normal woman walks into our office, sits in a chair, and says something like, “I don’t know what I do to turn men off. Somehow I am pushing them away. Maybe I’m too demanding, or not demanding enough; I don’t know. Men are so confusing.”
And it could be that very same day in that very same chair that a seemingly normal man, unrelated to the first woman, sits down and says, “I don’t get women. I must be doing something wrong or I’d have at least a semblance of a relationship with one of them. Women are so confusing.”
We’ve seen it time and again. Each gender trying to make contact with the other side but becoming dazed and confused in the process. Like an animal which has come too close to a hot-wired electric fence, we’ve seen both men and women jump hack and retreat from the opposite sex because they didn’t want to risk the potential pain of misunderstanding or rejection. So they keep their distance.
The barrier between the sexes is built early on in life by our fear for being teased for having a “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” Remember those days? Some researchers can’t seem to forget. A classic study of children’s friendships has found that three-year-olds say about half their friends are of the opposite sex; for five-year-olds, it’s about twenty percent, and by age seven almost no boys or girls say they have a best friend of the opposite sex. These separate social universes re-intersect only as the adolescent years approach. Is it any wonder that male-female relationships are confusing?
This chapter is dedicated to helping you—whether male or female—take some of the mystery out of relating to the opposite sex. We don’t guarantee to solve the age-old gender puzzle in just a few pages, but we do intend to give you some practical insights for equipping you in your trek across the gender line. We’ll help you explore just how different the sexes are, not only in their psychology but in their biology as well, and we will expose the “fundamental cross-gender relational error,” an error that will trip you up every time. We then take turns at revealing in detail what women need to know about men and what men need to know about women. Used correctly, you can consider this information your key to crossing the border. Before closing this chapter we do our best to answer the age ol’ question of whether or not men and women can be “just friends,” free from romantic entanglements and sexual snares.
But let’s now begin at the beginning. We start with a straightforward fact: When men and women get together there are, in effect, two worlds—his and hers. The question this raises, however, is what’s the difference?
A World of Difference
Have you ever wondered why a man can seemingly read a map blindfolded but can’t find his own socks? The reason may be found in his genetic makeup. Research is discovering that men and women actually perceive reality differently. In one university experiment, students were blindfolded while an experimenter who served as a guide walked them through a complex maze of tunnels that run beneath campus buildings. After traversing this maze, women were asked to locate a familiar college building. Nearly every woman in the experiment was uncertain and unable to locate it. Men, on the other hand, had relatively little trouble with the task. In spite of all the subterranean twists and turns, men tended to retain a firm sense of direction and with a kind of internal compass were far more likely to identify the location of the building—even after walking through the maze blindfolded. Chalk one up for the male species.
But before you put all your money on men, consider another university experiment. In this one, students were asked to wait in a small room with a cluttered desk while the experimenter “got something ready.” The students thought they were simply waiting for the experiment to begin, but this actually was the experiment. After two minutes, the student was asked to describe in detail the waiting room from memory. Men, it turns out, didn’t do well on the test, and were able to remember very little. Most men were barely able to describe much of the room in clear and accurate detail. They often missed major objects located on a desk right in front of them. Women, on the other hand, could go on and on with precise descriptions of the rooms contents. In fact, women proved seventy percent better than men at recalling complex patterns formed by apparently random and unconnected items. One point for the women’s side; but who’s keeping score? (Actually, the men are probably keeping score, but we’ll get to that later.)
In these experiments and dozens of others like them, men and women consistently perform at different levels—sometimes men outperform women and sometimes vice versa. Which is all to say that scientists are suddenly fast at work trying to account for the differences, and what they’re finding may surprise you.
Why are researchers just now exploring the differences between men and women? The reason can be traced to the 1970’s when the feminist revolution nearly prohibited talk of inborn differences in the behaviour of males and females. Pointing out distinctions between the sexes was simply off-limits if you were a respectable researcher wanting to keep your job. Men dominated fields like architecture and engineering, it was argued, because of social, not hormonal, pressures. Women did the vast majority of society’s child rearing because few other options were available to them. Once sexism was abolished, so the argument ran, the world would become perfectly equitable. But as hard as we tried to squelch our differences, the evidence for innate gender difference began to mount, and admitting the differences between men and women has now become unavoidable. What’s more, the differences are not exclusively relegated to how you were raised as a child and society’s traditional stereotyping. The differences, research is discovering, may lay much deeper.
Scientists have not ignored the ol’ nature-nurture debate all together, but they have come to accept that a few fundamental differences between men and women are apparently biological. It turns out that men s and women’s brains, for example, are not only different, but the way we use out brains differs too. Women have larger connections and subsequently more frequent “crosstalk” between their brains’ left and right hemispheres. This accounts for women’s seeming ability to have better verbal skills and relational intuition than men. Men, on the other hand, have greater brain hemisphere separation, which enhances abstract reasoning and visual-spatial intelligence. Poet and author Robert Bly describes women’s brains as having a “superhighway” of connection while men have a “little crookedy country road.”
Big deal, you may be thinking, men can rotate three-dimensional objects in their head and women are better at reading emotions of people in photographs. How’s that affect my relationships with the opposite sex? Fair enough. Here’s our answer: If you evaluate the opposite gender’s behavior according to your own standards, never considering significant social and biological differences, you will miss out on a meaningful connection because you were compelled to make that person more like you. That’s what we call the fundamental cross-gender relational error: assuming that misunderstandings between the sexes have only to do with cross-purposes and not psychological and biological crossed wiring.
Okay, I understand the problem, you are saying to yourself, but what’s the solution? That depends on whether you are a woman or a man; either way, there are a few things you need to know.
What Women Need To Know About Men
If you are a woman reading this hook, I (Leslie) want to reveal a few facts that can help you make healthy connections with the men in your life. Not that I have the answer on how we women can relate every man. The male-female connection is too mystical for such claims. But I do have a few insights that have proven helpful to me many other women. They have to do with knowing how men are different from us. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking, here are a few of the important distinctions— the ones that can make or break your ability to cross the gender borderline.
Men are not as in touch with their emotions as we are.
The first problem women run into when they attempt to explore men s emotional needs is that men don’t want women to explore their emotional needs. Let’s face it women, relative to us, men should come equipped with an emotional thesaurus. I’m not saying they don’t feel things deeply, but men certainly don’t express their emotions as clearly or as readily as we do. And who can blame them; they were raised that way. Parents, a recent study found, discuss emotions (with the exception of anger) more with their daughters than with their sons. As adults, men naturally tend to have a smaller feeling vocabulary and stuff their emotions. The point? We can’t expect men to identify our emotions or their own as quickly as we do.
Men are more independent than we are.
Here’s a lesson from “Male Development 101”: Very early on, males define themselves in relation to their mothers by being different and separate. Their impulse is to go away and assert their masculinity. Men need to wriggle free, to do male bonding, to place a great deal of emphasis on work (or golf, for that matter) as an escape from being smothered. But it’s not so much being smothered by the women in their lives as iris being smothered by their own feelings of dependency. Men need space to be men. And the more fragile a man’s sense of self, the stronger the impulse is to flee. So don’t expect men to glom on to you and tell you how much they need you. Instead, take comfort in the fact that the men in your life do need you, but most of the time they are trying to deny how much they need you because it poses so many threats to their sense of masculinity.
Men are more abstract than we are.
While you and I are more likely to talk about our fears, feelings, and experiences, men are more likely to talk about ideas, concepts, and theories. Men want to tell you what they know. They use conversation to discover factual information the same way an anthropologist uses a pick and hammer to unearth an artifact. Men gather facts, debate opinions, and solve problems through reasoned conversation. Sociologist Deborah Tannen calls this abstract style of man-speak “Report Talk.” It’s well established, so we can’t expect men to be too enthusiastic about conversation that serves as a means with no end. We can certainly talk about our fears, feelings and experiences to the men in our lives, but we can’t expect them to listen with the same vigilance we’ve grown to expect from our girlfriends.
What Men Need To Know About Women
Now that Leslie has had a say, allow me to turn the tables. Just as there are important insights for women to gain in understanding men, so can you, as a male reader, discover a few tips that will make relating to the women in your life a bit easier. “Every woman is a science,” John Donne. And if we take the time to carefully study women’s needs and how they differ from us, we’ll discover some fairly universal principles. I’ll echo the same qualifier as Leslie, however: There are always exceptions to the rule, but here are some fundamental ways in which women are different from men.
Women are not as independent as we are.
Let’s face it: we love the mystique of the rugged “Marlboro Man” image. Sure, it’s cliché, but we can’t get over this tough-minded, lone cowboy who reports to nobody as he freely rides the range. Women, on the other hand, couldn’t give a can of beans about protecting their autonomy. They prize what Harvard’s Carol Gilligan calls “a web of connectedness. Just as we are threatened by a challenge to our independence, so are women threatened by a rupture in their relationships. So don’t expect women to fully understand and accept your “need for space.” Don’t expect them to romanticize your independence. Instead, do yourself and your relationships with women a favour—bite the bullet and let them know you value the relationship even when you need to ride the range.
Women focus on the here-and-now more than we do.
Someone defined the future as a place where men spend most of their time. You and I both know that’s not exactly true. But it becomes more true in comparison to women. While we are scheming plans and solving problems for a better tomorrow, most women are asking, “What’s going on right now and how do I (and others) feel about it?” Women focus on current feelings and experiences because these build emotional bonds of connection between them. So while we men are more interested in the “report” of what has happened and where we are going, women are more interested on building “rapport” right now. The bottom line is that if you want to get down to the task of solving problems for the future with the women in your life, you must first take the time to explore their feelings about the present.
Women are not as competitive as we are.
As little kids growing up, boys play games in large groups, with an emphasis on winning. Competition is the name of this male-gender game. Little girls, on the other hand, play together in small, intimate groups, with an emphasis on minimizing hostility and maximizing cooperation. The same emphasis follows both genders into adulthood. As men, we still want to prove our point, keep score, and win the debate in conversation, while women are more likely to sacrifice superiority as the price for keeping peace. It’s not that one mode is necessarily better than the other; they both have their strengths and weaknesses. But if we want to build a healthy relationship with the women in our lives, we must honour their cooperative spirit and take care not to step on their toes.
Making a cross-gender relationship work does not depend solely on recognizing our differences. It’s a matter of appreciating those differences as well. Women, for example, can improve their relationships with men when they value the more masculine traits of emotional constraint, independence, and analytical reasoning. And men can improve their relationships with women when they esteem the more feminine qualities of interpersonal dependence, present-centeredness, and cooperation.
We’ve known some people who clearly recognize gender differences but then mistakenly try to eliminate them. It’s a futile exercise. Gender differences are not eased by creating symmetry—by having men and women thinking, feeling, and doing everything alike. The fact is that men and women are different. And people who openly acknowledge their differences and appreciate them improve their chances for a successful relationship.
Can Men And Women Be Just Friends?
We had just stepped off the platform of a college auditorium in Illinois where we were speaking on gender differences. Lingering around us was a small crowd of students who had a few comments or questions. That’s when a young, forthright man came hounding up to us and blurted out a question: “Is it possible for men and women to be friends without being romantic.
The auditorium fell suddenly silent. Even students who were just about out the door turned around to wait for our answer. We mumbled a spontaneous reply that was mostly based on out opinions and then turned the question back on our listeners. “What do you think?” we asked. For nearly another hour we sat on the edge of that platform and listened to a lively discussion while dozens of students gave their two cents’ worth.
That was several years ago, but we continue to hear this question so frequently that we would be remiss not to address it before closing this chapter. And since that occasion in Illinois, we have reviewed dozens of scientific studies and surveyed numbers of people about cross-gender friendships to discover whether these relationships can work or not. We’ve also listened in on countless discussions with men and women on the issue. And believe me, we’re now well acquainted with both sides of the argument.
For many people the idea of a man and a woman being friends is charming, but improbable. “It always leads to something else,” they argue, meaning that the relationship eventually becomes romantic or soon fizzles out. Perhaps they are right. After all, in contrast to the countless love stories we see in the movies, male-female friendships are rarely acclaimed or depicted as an ongoing, freestanding bond. How many stories can you think of that richly portray or endorse the lasting, devoted friendship of a man and a woman as an end in itself? Even the acclaimed film, When Harry Met Sally, which got a lot of people talking about cross-gender friendships, ultimately proves to be another tale of romantic love. Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan’s tumultuous and endearing friendship is only a stage in the development of the more celebrated attachment of falling in love.
On the other hand, there are those who ate seemingly surprised by the question and argue that of course male-female friendships are possible; why wouldn’t they be? These people’s persuasiveness almost make the romantic pull of such relationships seem unusual. They ignore it altogether. “One of my best friends is a woman,” the male proponent of this perspective insists. “And it’s never crossed my mind to consider her in a romantic way.” Well, that takes care of that, I think. “My friendships with men are far less complex than my relationships with women,” a female with this position might say. “We can play sports and just have fun.”
In our informal survey of people who are “just friends” with someone of the opposite sex, we heard a number of positive remarks. Over I over, men spoke about how a woman’s friendship provided them with a kind of nurturance not generally available in their relationships with men. They said things like, “I don’t have to play the macho game with women. I can show my weaknesses to a woman friend and she’ll still accept me.”When we asked women about their friendships with men. we heard comments like “He is a good sounding board for me to get the male perspective, the kind I can’t get from my women friends.”
Interestingly, women do not report the same level of intimacy as do with their cross-gender friendships. Even women who count among their close friends feel harriers between them. Women will say things like, “I have fun with men, and they can even be supportive and helpful about some things, but it’s just not the same. If I try to talk to my male friends the same way I talk to my female friends, I’m always disappointed.” At first glance the payoff for men seems to be bigger than the payoff for women in cross-gender friendships. But that’s not necessarily true. Women report great enjoyment from the diversity their friendships with men bring to their lives.
So does all this mean the answer to the question about men and women being friends is yes? Few relationships issues are that plain and simple. The real answer is “it depends.” So, you say, let’s cut to the chase and get to the bottom line: What do these relationships depend upon? They depend upon how much each person in the relationship is willing to stretch and grow. These friendships, you see, require both men and women to call upon parts of themselves that are usually less accessible when relating to their typical same-sex friends. For a man, a woman friend allows him to express his more emotional side, to experience his vulnerability, to treat himself and his friend more tenderly than is permissible with male friends. What is typically missing for him in this cross-gender relationship, however, is the kind of rough camaraderie he can have with another man. For a woman, friendship with a man helps her express her independent, more reasoned, and tougher side—the harder edge that’s kept under wraps in relationships with women. The down side for her is the relative absence of emotional reciprocity and intensity she normally shares with a female friend.
So, okay, twist our arms for a yes or no answer to this question and the answer will be yes. But we will quickly qualify it. Men and women can enjoy friendship together, but not at the same level they do with friends of the same sex. The next chapter, however, will reveal that friendships within our own gender provide tough competition.
For Reflection
Consider your cross-gender relationships. What aspects of these relationships with the opposite sex (excluding romantic relationships) seem to be easier than relationships with the same sex? What are the biggest hurdles you encounter in relating with the opposite sex?
When you were growing up as a kid, what social activities or games do you think influenced your gender roles? Looking back on it, do you put more stock in the way your environment shaped you or the way your biology programmed you?
This chapter notes several things men and women should know about the opposite gender. What differences could you add either to the list for women to know or for men to know?
Have you noticed how women use their conversation to build rapport” while men use conversation to give or get the “report”? What examples of this disparity can you remember from your own experience?
The major point of this chapter is that we doom our relationships with the opposite sex when we try to change them into being more like us. If this is so, what can you do to accept and even appreciate the different qualities of the other gender?
Written By Drs Les & Leslie
Contributed by Farina
Re-edited by Johan
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Song: Baby, Come To Me
Artist: James Ingram & Patti Austin
Thinkin' back in time
When love was only in my mind
I realize..
Ain't no second chance
You got to hold on to romance
Don't let it slide
There's a special kind of magic in the air
When you find another heart that needs to share
Chorus:
Baby, come to me
Let me put my arms around you
This was meant to be
And i'm oh so glad i found you
Need you everyday
Got to have your love around me
Baby always stay'
Cause i can't go back to livin' without you
Spendin' every dime
To keep you talkin' on the line
That's how it was
And all those walks together
Out in any kind of weather
Just because
There's a brand new way of looking at your life
When you know that love is standing by your side
The night can be cold
There's a chill to every evening when you're all alone
Don't talk anymore'
Cause you know that I'll be here to keep you warm
Chorus:
Baby, come to me
Let me put my arms around you
This was meant to be
And i'm oh so glad i found you
Need you everyday
Got to have your love around me
Baby always stay'
Cause i can't go back to livin' without you
The lyrics are © copyright their respective owners.
Artist: James Ingram & Patti Austin
Thinkin' back in time
When love was only in my mind
I realize..
Ain't no second chance
You got to hold on to romance
Don't let it slide
There's a special kind of magic in the air
When you find another heart that needs to share
Chorus:
Baby, come to me
Let me put my arms around you
This was meant to be
And i'm oh so glad i found you
Need you everyday
Got to have your love around me
Baby always stay'
Cause i can't go back to livin' without you
Spendin' every dime
To keep you talkin' on the line
That's how it was
And all those walks together
Out in any kind of weather
Just because
There's a brand new way of looking at your life
When you know that love is standing by your side
The night can be cold
There's a chill to every evening when you're all alone
Don't talk anymore'
Cause you know that I'll be here to keep you warm
Chorus:
Baby, come to me
Let me put my arms around you
This was meant to be
And i'm oh so glad i found you
Need you everyday
Got to have your love around me
Baby always stay'
Cause i can't go back to livin' without you
The lyrics are © copyright their respective owners.
Song: If You're Gone
Artist: Matchbox Twenty
I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - But I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
but now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem i'm feeling
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
but I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much
I know it's wrong it's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
The lyrics are © copyright their respective owners.
Artist: Matchbox Twenty
I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - But I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
but now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem i'm feeling
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
but I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much
I know it's wrong it's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
The lyrics are © copyright their respective owners.
Song: My Baby You
Artist: Mark Anthony
As I look into your eyes
I see all the reasons why
My life's worth a thousand skies.
You're the simplest love I've known
and the purest one I'll own
Know you'll never be alone.
Chorus:
My baby you
Are the reason I could fly
and 'cause of you
I don't have to wonder why.
Baby you,
there's no more just getting by.
You're the reason I feel so alive.
Though these words I say are true
they still fail to capture you
as mere words can only do.
How do I explain that smile
and how it turns my world around
Keeping my feet on the ground.
Chorus:
My baby you
Are the reason I could fly
and 'cause of you
I don't have to wonder why.
Baby you,
there's no more just getting by.
You're the reason I feel so alive.
I will soothe you if you fall
I'll be right there if you call.
You're my greatest love of all.
Chorus:
My baby you
Are the reason I could fly
and 'cause of you
I don't have to wonder why.
Baby you,
there's no more just getting by.
You're the reason I feel so alive.
Arianna I feel so alive
The lyrics are © copyright their respective owners.
Artist: Mark Anthony
As I look into your eyes
I see all the reasons why
My life's worth a thousand skies.
You're the simplest love I've known
and the purest one I'll own
Know you'll never be alone.
Chorus:
My baby you
Are the reason I could fly
and 'cause of you
I don't have to wonder why.
Baby you,
there's no more just getting by.
You're the reason I feel so alive.
Though these words I say are true
they still fail to capture you
as mere words can only do.
How do I explain that smile
and how it turns my world around
Keeping my feet on the ground.
Chorus:
My baby you
Are the reason I could fly
and 'cause of you
I don't have to wonder why.
Baby you,
there's no more just getting by.
You're the reason I feel so alive.
I will soothe you if you fall
I'll be right there if you call.
You're my greatest love of all.
Chorus:
My baby you
Are the reason I could fly
and 'cause of you
I don't have to wonder why.
Baby you,
there's no more just getting by.
You're the reason I feel so alive.
Arianna I feel so alive
The lyrics are © copyright their respective owners.
Friday, July 16, 2004
Song: Missing You
Artist: Case
Standing here looking out my window
My nights are long and my days are cold
Cause I don't have you
How can I be so damn demanding?
I know you said that it's over now
But I can't let go
Every day I want to pick up the phone
And tell you that
You're everything I need and more
If only I could find you
Like a cold Summer afternoon
Like the snow coming down in June
Like a wedding without a groom
I'm missing youI'm the desert without the sand
I'm the one without a band
I'm a ring without a hand
I'm missing you
Driving 'round thought I saw you pass me
My rearview mirror's playing tricks on me
Cause you fade away
Maybe I'm just hallucinating
Cause my loneliness got the best of me
And my heart's so weak
Every day I want to pick up the phone
And tell you that
You're everything I need and more
If only I could find you
Like a cold Summer afternoon
Like the snow coming down in June
Like a wedding without a groom
I'm missing you
I'm the desert without the sand
I'm the one without a band
I'm a ring without a hand
I'm missing you
The lyrics are © copyright their respective owners.
Artist: Case
Standing here looking out my window
My nights are long and my days are cold
Cause I don't have you
How can I be so damn demanding?
I know you said that it's over now
But I can't let go
Every day I want to pick up the phone
And tell you that
You're everything I need and more
If only I could find you
Like a cold Summer afternoon
Like the snow coming down in June
Like a wedding without a groom
I'm missing youI'm the desert without the sand
I'm the one without a band
I'm a ring without a hand
I'm missing you
Driving 'round thought I saw you pass me
My rearview mirror's playing tricks on me
Cause you fade away
Maybe I'm just hallucinating
Cause my loneliness got the best of me
And my heart's so weak
Every day I want to pick up the phone
And tell you that
You're everything I need and more
If only I could find you
Like a cold Summer afternoon
Like the snow coming down in June
Like a wedding without a groom
I'm missing you
I'm the desert without the sand
I'm the one without a band
I'm a ring without a hand
I'm missing you
The lyrics are © copyright their respective owners.
