Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Confessions
Part 1
May 2004
It has been some time since I last wrote in here, sorry, a lot has happened, mostly good things, some unforgettable, some to be kept quiet and never spoken of again. In all honesty, it’s been a non-stop roller coaster ride of experiences, activities and emotions. Am not going to go into details on most of them because the past has passed and it’s too long to list. The party scene has been pumping as usual and so was my slutty cat adventures. Meeeoooww.. ;)
I have to let something of my chest though because it’s been quite a few weeks since I last wrote and recent events has caused me to transform from the suave slutty cat into a shy smitten kitten.. Yes, I have.. and it’s a scary experience for me. Certain things have triggered this trip. You see, as I mentioned, I have been single lately and I saw no harm to have a little fun on the town with my gal pals and friends. I’ve really been to a certain extend happy to spend that time with them but deep down, there was still a huge gaping void in that heart area. So here goes my confession. If it starts to get too mushy for you, just close the browser, if you share my pain and celebration of that thing called love, read on.
Detour: A few years ago, I was really swept off my feet and flew up by a love that I thought was going to be the kind you see in those Meg Ryan type movies. Few and rare have had that impact on me. To cut the long story short, I really fell so in love with her. Really fell like the kind u feel as if you’ve met your soul mate and I was the happiest person alive even at the darkest time of my life so far. Unfortunately, without reason, I was discarded by her like a cigarette butt at the most vulnerable point of my life. Till today, I have no understanding of her decision and betrayal. Hurt really bad, lost all feeling, lost all trust in giving love and any confidence I had left in people and relationships. Miserable as hell but had no choice but to pretend and mask the pain in order to pull myself out of the bottomless pit caused by a combination of events. At the lowest point, I had a tough challenge to rebuild whatever that was left. I was personally numbed of all feeling. It was impossible to feel any kind of love. It was the hardest and quietest moments of my years. It affected everything that I had worked hard my whole life to build. I just wasn't me anymore. I was literally a zombie, a body walking around with my spirit, soul and passion for life missing entirely. That was over 6 years ago. It's hard to write this all down as i have to relive some of those moments playing back like a loop tape in my head again. This is not some insecurity trip, just a detailed account of what really happened. My story. Nothing to hide. Ready to come clean as i've moved on. It has taken that long to heal, scars and reminders of that painful journey still exists till now, even taking the better part of my ex-fiancé who roughed it out while I battled my own demons.
Detour still: She sadly, became the victim of my pain. I thank her for her sacrifices, so so sorry for all the pain she had to accept without condition, the love she continuously gave while nurturing me back to a state of recovery. There’s only so much however, one can give before being drained of their own strength. It’s like that vampire scene where one vamp can’t drink the last drop blood from another vamp or else there will be dire consequences. You know what I mean? In any case, upon reflection, I’ve grown to accept the fact that, should I have healed, the relationship wouldn’t have lasted due to different temperaments and other conflicts only obvious to us. It was for the best anyways. There was no point in forcing a relationship further to only cause more pain to someone who didn’t deserve to go through pain in the first place.
Had to see her the other night. Some things that needed sorting. It was a awkward trip down memory lane. Both of us trying to remain casual as friends and keeping the deep history locked down under cool calm exterior. Updates about each others lives, relationships, work and stuff. It got weirder towards the end as the topics started to get more intense. It came to the point she gave me back my wedding ring that we bought together. Wedding Ring!!! Heavy big step there. Total life flashback of our relationship just raced through my mind for a second. Don't get me wrong, i have nothing against getting married. Well not that much anyways. I just want to do it when it's with someone we both can see being together clearly for a long time. For the right reasons. You just know when the time comes. It was an emotional goodbye. The goodnight cheek kiss twisted into a teary long hug. Couldn't help but feel a gap there on the walk back to the car. Guess there's still some lingering feelings for both of us to go separate ways. We both had to be strong no matter the pain. That chapter has now closed for me at the very least. Looking ahead. Pain and hurt wounds might heal but scars will remain.
Back to the story: Thankfully, there were some really strong women in my life that I could lean on for that temporary medication. They know who they are, as time passed and i thank them too for filling in the gaps here and there, training me to rebuild my soul. Going out, meeting new people, having the ability to get comfortable to talk to anyone, was a nightmare for me. I was separate, in another place even though physically there. Most people who know me personally would swear that they can’t imagine me that way. I was a happy person, I grew up happy with countless friends and a great family, always cheerful, an ambitious, positive and driven person, a socialite who knew how to have fun. Then the above incidents happened and I ended up in an emotional coma for years, which I would say I had not fully gotten out of, until recently. Not that many people knew this story in full, the correct version, except the very few that i trusted the most. Felt i can be more transparent about it. No point crying over spilt milk now, i'm all cried out.
The partial reason why I’m writing this is simply because I felt I had to do this as a closure for myself and to one day soon, I hope, make this one amazing person that has recently successfully made me feel whole again know and understand how much she has done for me effortlessly in such a short time. She might not understand the full magnitude of what impact she has had so far on me. The best part is, she might not even realize that she has done that at all so far as I have not indicated my interest directly, for some clear reasons that i can't reveal. I don't think either one of us is ready. We all have our own demons to battle don't we? Masking it, pretending that it doesn't exist, numbing it by doing dumb things, putting up a strong front no matter how vulnerable and weak we were at the moment.
The story: It all began a couple of weeks ago. This lady entered my life in the middle of the night in a way that was pleasantly distracting. I was spinning my tunes and her presence totally took me by such surprise that I actually lost ability and concentration to go on playing. Frozen beyond words and movement. I felt my heart beat again. The strong heart that was shattered and had to be restored patiently piece by piece. It had taken me over 6 years to feel that warmth of blood that makes you feel all fuzzy and silly. For 2 weeks, I stood there in agony, not knowing who she was as she turned up. Watching her, her flawlessness, her grace, it was as if she was the only one in the room, magnetic and poetic indeed. I had nothing else to base it on since I didn’t know who she was but it was more than enough. Asking around revealed little information. I know the scene and faces in and out. No one slips through my eyes. Where did she come from?
Sure, you might say, well it might be like the other girls I have been writing about. There will be another story next week about another girl. Sorry to disappoint you. I have literally stopped my flirtatious ways since that day I saw her the first time. It was pointless now and so I’ve completely stopped so that I can be smitten by her. She somehow had me mesmerized under the spell of her exotic pretty brown eyes. I swear that there’s some spell she’s casting on the people around her. She had the others in the room that way too as I observed the worker bees craving to access the queen. Thankfully, I knew the security detail protecting her from any unwanted harm.
Eventually we were introduced and she has the sweetest voice. I was all nervous, like a little kid having his first crush, taking his first date on a prom night, the first kiss. It was the most excruciating past few weeks. She's got me twisted. This time around, it’s different as, it wasn’t the case where I lost the ability to converse with people because of the pain of the past. It was simply because I felt so elevated and so calm at peace simultaneously that words were at ground zero. If she reads this one day, she’d probably laugh in that sweet smile she has. Personally, getting to know her has been slightly more difficult than I thought possible. There are some issues that need to be worked out. We have found ways around problems communicating to each other though.
I have been trying my level best to control my excitement and happiness whenever I even hear her name or see her picture. Imagine me then when she’s around. It is so excrutiatingly unbearable as I can’t make it too obvious without alerting too many people. I’m taking my time, to get to know her, invest my time and soul again in this lady, spend time with her, prolong this high she’s giving me without her being influenced by external factors. I’m remembering how it was to be romantic again. I'm filled with hope that the relationship grows in a positive direction. Wishing one day I can tenderly wrap my arms around her and whisper thank you for bringing me back to life and how precious she is to me. Hoping that the feelings have grown into a mutual affection that lasts our lifetime by then. Ok, ok.. I’ll spare the romantic mushy stuff for her.
I may be dreaming or disillusioned, maybe even setting myself up for another huge fall but if I didn’t try at the very least, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I am consciously aware that she will be trouble for me. Instinct. She has the potential to hurt me even more than the others before. Isn’t that what passion, infatuation and adventure is all about. Wanting something u desire so much even if you can’t have it, doing something that pushes you into unknown territories. The mere thought of her is best feeling I’ve felt in a long long long time, so I’m going to take this opportunity to appreciate it, even if it isn’t reciprocated, even if it means I will get hurt again. I'm stronger now. Been through the pain. More prepared for anything, with a better outlook, perception and expectation of varying outcomes. Give it time. It will pass. Sometimes we have to let go and move on into unchartered teritories.
I can’t take her off my mind though, totally distracted during the day, can’t sleep at night, dreaming, breathe, thinking, wondering, anticipating and going really crazy. Enjoying every moment I get to spend time with her. All the time trying so hard to maintain the cool cat composure. I’m glad by the fact that the more I talk to her, the more I’m starting to discover and appreciate her for the individual person that she is. She’s beautiful from the inside. It shows. She will reach her own ascension of success on her own too in future and I want to be there when that happens. It’s as if I am glowing with the aura of her refreshing spirit all over. It’s overwhelming to the point that I don’t remember ever feeling this way about any of my previous relationships or anyone else i've met in a long time. I’m not saying I’m falling in love with her as it’s too soon even for me, it’s a possibility in future, but I know I’m freefalling towards something. Question is if it’s the hard concrete floor or a soft air bed.
The funny thing is I strangely believe that there’s no such thing as the perfect person. It’s only perception. It’s really about how well each other can mutually compromise on each others temperament, how well they can communicate, trust, respect support and understand each others goals and feelings, adapt, accommodate and be comfortable with each others quirks, share meaningful and affectionate moments together. Looks is nothing without substance. Sure it helps initially from the attraction infatuation level but the love grows out of the friendship, time, discovering each other. Over time, it’s not the looks that counts but how they look at each other which carries more weight. The memories and experiences that the relationship was built on. Of course, there are other factors.
Honestly, I don’t know how she feels about me yet. That’s adding on the confusion. I’m having trouble reading between the lines as my judgment may be clouded by overflowing emotions. Six years of suppression and longing can do that to a person. I hope it’s not too much for her and pray that she doesn’t freak out. I hope that she'll take time to discover more about me and find something special in me too and that all i want is to make her happy. I really wanna spend time discovering her multiple layers. She just moves me, completes me, calms me. She makes me feel brand new, reborn again, free from pain. It's just how she makes me feel even if she doesn't do a thing. Wish i can thank her one day.
Hmmm.. I suspect she might already suspect that I have a thing for her. I suspect that information could have leaked somehow through mutual friends or my actions maybe. My gal pals have all said that girls usually will know if a guy likes them or not. They all said i look like a happy little boy. LOL!! I wish I knew something, something to go on with, some sign. I guess as much as I’m trying to make it as inconspicuous as possible, some signs have slipped. Ok, so i can't help but smile when i'm around her. Fault me for being a total smittenkitten. This is just my story. How i personally feel at this moment. I'm human. Some feelings can't hide. Most others are still guessing who this mystery angel is. There’s so much more I wish I could say about her but that could compromise her identity and privacy. I don't have any intent to hurt her. Why do people hurt someone they care about? I’m just so happy to know her and to have her by my side even if it's for a split second of my lifetime, regardless of the future outcome. God truly works in mysterious ways. Got to taste the bitter before you can appreciate the sweetness i say. So to all of you who have been through this stuff and back again, i know you can relate. To those who haven't, well, there's nothing like the warm fuzzy feeling you get when someone else makes you as happy as this. Hope you find your special someone too, somewhere, someday. Keep on dreaming.
Jo :)
Songs for the moment: Tamia - So in to you, George Michael - I can't make you love me, George Michael - Amazing, Mariah Carey, 98 Degrees & Joe - Thank god i found you, Selena - Dreaming of you
Part 1
May 2004
It has been some time since I last wrote in here, sorry, a lot has happened, mostly good things, some unforgettable, some to be kept quiet and never spoken of again. In all honesty, it’s been a non-stop roller coaster ride of experiences, activities and emotions. Am not going to go into details on most of them because the past has passed and it’s too long to list. The party scene has been pumping as usual and so was my slutty cat adventures. Meeeoooww.. ;)
I have to let something of my chest though because it’s been quite a few weeks since I last wrote and recent events has caused me to transform from the suave slutty cat into a shy smitten kitten.. Yes, I have.. and it’s a scary experience for me. Certain things have triggered this trip. You see, as I mentioned, I have been single lately and I saw no harm to have a little fun on the town with my gal pals and friends. I’ve really been to a certain extend happy to spend that time with them but deep down, there was still a huge gaping void in that heart area. So here goes my confession. If it starts to get too mushy for you, just close the browser, if you share my pain and celebration of that thing called love, read on.
Detour: A few years ago, I was really swept off my feet and flew up by a love that I thought was going to be the kind you see in those Meg Ryan type movies. Few and rare have had that impact on me. To cut the long story short, I really fell so in love with her. Really fell like the kind u feel as if you’ve met your soul mate and I was the happiest person alive even at the darkest time of my life so far. Unfortunately, without reason, I was discarded by her like a cigarette butt at the most vulnerable point of my life. Till today, I have no understanding of her decision and betrayal. Hurt really bad, lost all feeling, lost all trust in giving love and any confidence I had left in people and relationships. Miserable as hell but had no choice but to pretend and mask the pain in order to pull myself out of the bottomless pit caused by a combination of events. At the lowest point, I had a tough challenge to rebuild whatever that was left. I was personally numbed of all feeling. It was impossible to feel any kind of love. It was the hardest and quietest moments of my years. It affected everything that I had worked hard my whole life to build. I just wasn't me anymore. I was literally a zombie, a body walking around with my spirit, soul and passion for life missing entirely. That was over 6 years ago. It's hard to write this all down as i have to relive some of those moments playing back like a loop tape in my head again. This is not some insecurity trip, just a detailed account of what really happened. My story. Nothing to hide. Ready to come clean as i've moved on. It has taken that long to heal, scars and reminders of that painful journey still exists till now, even taking the better part of my ex-fiancé who roughed it out while I battled my own demons.
Detour still: She sadly, became the victim of my pain. I thank her for her sacrifices, so so sorry for all the pain she had to accept without condition, the love she continuously gave while nurturing me back to a state of recovery. There’s only so much however, one can give before being drained of their own strength. It’s like that vampire scene where one vamp can’t drink the last drop blood from another vamp or else there will be dire consequences. You know what I mean? In any case, upon reflection, I’ve grown to accept the fact that, should I have healed, the relationship wouldn’t have lasted due to different temperaments and other conflicts only obvious to us. It was for the best anyways. There was no point in forcing a relationship further to only cause more pain to someone who didn’t deserve to go through pain in the first place.
Had to see her the other night. Some things that needed sorting. It was a awkward trip down memory lane. Both of us trying to remain casual as friends and keeping the deep history locked down under cool calm exterior. Updates about each others lives, relationships, work and stuff. It got weirder towards the end as the topics started to get more intense. It came to the point she gave me back my wedding ring that we bought together. Wedding Ring!!! Heavy big step there. Total life flashback of our relationship just raced through my mind for a second. Don't get me wrong, i have nothing against getting married. Well not that much anyways. I just want to do it when it's with someone we both can see being together clearly for a long time. For the right reasons. You just know when the time comes. It was an emotional goodbye. The goodnight cheek kiss twisted into a teary long hug. Couldn't help but feel a gap there on the walk back to the car. Guess there's still some lingering feelings for both of us to go separate ways. We both had to be strong no matter the pain. That chapter has now closed for me at the very least. Looking ahead. Pain and hurt wounds might heal but scars will remain.
Back to the story: Thankfully, there were some really strong women in my life that I could lean on for that temporary medication. They know who they are, as time passed and i thank them too for filling in the gaps here and there, training me to rebuild my soul. Going out, meeting new people, having the ability to get comfortable to talk to anyone, was a nightmare for me. I was separate, in another place even though physically there. Most people who know me personally would swear that they can’t imagine me that way. I was a happy person, I grew up happy with countless friends and a great family, always cheerful, an ambitious, positive and driven person, a socialite who knew how to have fun. Then the above incidents happened and I ended up in an emotional coma for years, which I would say I had not fully gotten out of, until recently. Not that many people knew this story in full, the correct version, except the very few that i trusted the most. Felt i can be more transparent about it. No point crying over spilt milk now, i'm all cried out.
The partial reason why I’m writing this is simply because I felt I had to do this as a closure for myself and to one day soon, I hope, make this one amazing person that has recently successfully made me feel whole again know and understand how much she has done for me effortlessly in such a short time. She might not understand the full magnitude of what impact she has had so far on me. The best part is, she might not even realize that she has done that at all so far as I have not indicated my interest directly, for some clear reasons that i can't reveal. I don't think either one of us is ready. We all have our own demons to battle don't we? Masking it, pretending that it doesn't exist, numbing it by doing dumb things, putting up a strong front no matter how vulnerable and weak we were at the moment.
The story: It all began a couple of weeks ago. This lady entered my life in the middle of the night in a way that was pleasantly distracting. I was spinning my tunes and her presence totally took me by such surprise that I actually lost ability and concentration to go on playing. Frozen beyond words and movement. I felt my heart beat again. The strong heart that was shattered and had to be restored patiently piece by piece. It had taken me over 6 years to feel that warmth of blood that makes you feel all fuzzy and silly. For 2 weeks, I stood there in agony, not knowing who she was as she turned up. Watching her, her flawlessness, her grace, it was as if she was the only one in the room, magnetic and poetic indeed. I had nothing else to base it on since I didn’t know who she was but it was more than enough. Asking around revealed little information. I know the scene and faces in and out. No one slips through my eyes. Where did she come from?
Sure, you might say, well it might be like the other girls I have been writing about. There will be another story next week about another girl. Sorry to disappoint you. I have literally stopped my flirtatious ways since that day I saw her the first time. It was pointless now and so I’ve completely stopped so that I can be smitten by her. She somehow had me mesmerized under the spell of her exotic pretty brown eyes. I swear that there’s some spell she’s casting on the people around her. She had the others in the room that way too as I observed the worker bees craving to access the queen. Thankfully, I knew the security detail protecting her from any unwanted harm.
Eventually we were introduced and she has the sweetest voice. I was all nervous, like a little kid having his first crush, taking his first date on a prom night, the first kiss. It was the most excruciating past few weeks. She's got me twisted. This time around, it’s different as, it wasn’t the case where I lost the ability to converse with people because of the pain of the past. It was simply because I felt so elevated and so calm at peace simultaneously that words were at ground zero. If she reads this one day, she’d probably laugh in that sweet smile she has. Personally, getting to know her has been slightly more difficult than I thought possible. There are some issues that need to be worked out. We have found ways around problems communicating to each other though.
I have been trying my level best to control my excitement and happiness whenever I even hear her name or see her picture. Imagine me then when she’s around. It is so excrutiatingly unbearable as I can’t make it too obvious without alerting too many people. I’m taking my time, to get to know her, invest my time and soul again in this lady, spend time with her, prolong this high she’s giving me without her being influenced by external factors. I’m remembering how it was to be romantic again. I'm filled with hope that the relationship grows in a positive direction. Wishing one day I can tenderly wrap my arms around her and whisper thank you for bringing me back to life and how precious she is to me. Hoping that the feelings have grown into a mutual affection that lasts our lifetime by then. Ok, ok.. I’ll spare the romantic mushy stuff for her.
I may be dreaming or disillusioned, maybe even setting myself up for another huge fall but if I didn’t try at the very least, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I am consciously aware that she will be trouble for me. Instinct. She has the potential to hurt me even more than the others before. Isn’t that what passion, infatuation and adventure is all about. Wanting something u desire so much even if you can’t have it, doing something that pushes you into unknown territories. The mere thought of her is best feeling I’ve felt in a long long long time, so I’m going to take this opportunity to appreciate it, even if it isn’t reciprocated, even if it means I will get hurt again. I'm stronger now. Been through the pain. More prepared for anything, with a better outlook, perception and expectation of varying outcomes. Give it time. It will pass. Sometimes we have to let go and move on into unchartered teritories.
I can’t take her off my mind though, totally distracted during the day, can’t sleep at night, dreaming, breathe, thinking, wondering, anticipating and going really crazy. Enjoying every moment I get to spend time with her. All the time trying so hard to maintain the cool cat composure. I’m glad by the fact that the more I talk to her, the more I’m starting to discover and appreciate her for the individual person that she is. She’s beautiful from the inside. It shows. She will reach her own ascension of success on her own too in future and I want to be there when that happens. It’s as if I am glowing with the aura of her refreshing spirit all over. It’s overwhelming to the point that I don’t remember ever feeling this way about any of my previous relationships or anyone else i've met in a long time. I’m not saying I’m falling in love with her as it’s too soon even for me, it’s a possibility in future, but I know I’m freefalling towards something. Question is if it’s the hard concrete floor or a soft air bed.
The funny thing is I strangely believe that there’s no such thing as the perfect person. It’s only perception. It’s really about how well each other can mutually compromise on each others temperament, how well they can communicate, trust, respect support and understand each others goals and feelings, adapt, accommodate and be comfortable with each others quirks, share meaningful and affectionate moments together. Looks is nothing without substance. Sure it helps initially from the attraction infatuation level but the love grows out of the friendship, time, discovering each other. Over time, it’s not the looks that counts but how they look at each other which carries more weight. The memories and experiences that the relationship was built on. Of course, there are other factors.
Honestly, I don’t know how she feels about me yet. That’s adding on the confusion. I’m having trouble reading between the lines as my judgment may be clouded by overflowing emotions. Six years of suppression and longing can do that to a person. I hope it’s not too much for her and pray that she doesn’t freak out. I hope that she'll take time to discover more about me and find something special in me too and that all i want is to make her happy. I really wanna spend time discovering her multiple layers. She just moves me, completes me, calms me. She makes me feel brand new, reborn again, free from pain. It's just how she makes me feel even if she doesn't do a thing. Wish i can thank her one day.
Hmmm.. I suspect she might already suspect that I have a thing for her. I suspect that information could have leaked somehow through mutual friends or my actions maybe. My gal pals have all said that girls usually will know if a guy likes them or not. They all said i look like a happy little boy. LOL!! I wish I knew something, something to go on with, some sign. I guess as much as I’m trying to make it as inconspicuous as possible, some signs have slipped. Ok, so i can't help but smile when i'm around her. Fault me for being a total smittenkitten. This is just my story. How i personally feel at this moment. I'm human. Some feelings can't hide. Most others are still guessing who this mystery angel is. There’s so much more I wish I could say about her but that could compromise her identity and privacy. I don't have any intent to hurt her. Why do people hurt someone they care about? I’m just so happy to know her and to have her by my side even if it's for a split second of my lifetime, regardless of the future outcome. God truly works in mysterious ways. Got to taste the bitter before you can appreciate the sweetness i say. So to all of you who have been through this stuff and back again, i know you can relate. To those who haven't, well, there's nothing like the warm fuzzy feeling you get when someone else makes you as happy as this. Hope you find your special someone too, somewhere, someday. Keep on dreaming.
Jo :)
Songs for the moment: Tamia - So in to you, George Michael - I can't make you love me, George Michael - Amazing, Mariah Carey, 98 Degrees & Joe - Thank god i found you, Selena - Dreaming of you
